To Pee Or Not To Pee

Let me give some facts and figures before I start. My office is about 14 kms from home and I ride there on my 'Street Hawk'.. er.. XL Super, which has a top speed of 40(that's in kmph) and goes from 0 to 30(again kmph) in as little as 300 seconds. Add to it my inertia and lethargy and the general morning traffic, on an average it takes me about 45 minutes to go to office.
The other day, just as I had started off, my 'bladder-full' sensors started sending alarm signals to my brain(you know how it feels, spare me the need to describe the sensation). Given that I am neither a NASA astronaut nor do i doubt that my lover is cheating on me, I have never had the need to use adult diapers.
Coming back, I had two options -
Option A - turn around, go back home and do it. I rejected this for Option B.
Option B - keep driving, let the situation evolve and hopefully my brain will pull out a better plan.
I did manage to pull out an idea - look out for public urinals and stop at the first one. I drove for another twenty minutes before I finally found one(and the only one) which turned out to be locked. Perhaps the manager of the place wasn't expecting a client so early in the morning. It was then that i realized the flaw in the plan, something that I should have known earlier. People here don't use a public urinal, in fact we don't even need a public urinal, we have the WALL.
I don't know much about how things work in the west, I think that out there a wall is just a wall, a boundary, that's it. But here, a wall serves more than one purpose. It is where the political world announces their meetings to the public, it is where the entertainment world howls what's showing and most importantly in the present context, it is where people do it. It can be the cornucopia of information or stink depending on your perspective. With every passing wall upon which my eyes fell, I was maddened by the urge to spray paint it and salinate the surrounding earth. However, the false dignity that I had assumed over the course of my life stopped me from doing it.
Things were getting really bad now, the bladder control unit was jamming my brain with the same signal(kinda like caught in an infinite loop), despite the fact that my brain had acknowledged the gravity of the situation and had responded back saying 'wait for my command'. I started sweating profusely, and this certainly did not help the situation, which is ironic given that perspiration effectively performs a similar function. Clearly, the Creator hadn't given much thought about load balancing in our fluid regulatory mechanisms(Now where should I report this bug?).
Somehow I managed to not cave in to the pressure and reached the office, and I don't have to tell what I did first. It was bliss. I think it will the closest I will ever come to experiencing the so called 'anandam that follows prasava vedhanai'(roughly translates to joy after the troubles/pain of pregnancy), unless of course genetic engineering grows to stupid proportions and the woman with whom I am destined to have kids decides to mutate me with seahorse DNA.
My bladder control hasn't been the same since that fateful day, if only I hadn't cared for my false dignity. I choose to blame the government for this. I am so pissed off.

Calvin, Susie, Miss Wormwood and my cousin

My six year cousin has achieved something I haven't so far been able to do my entire life - kiss a girl. Apparently, he has got this pretty class mate at school, towards whom he must have been attracted for some time now, and one day overwhelmed by these feelings decides to spurt it out, and what better way to do it than a harmless peck on the cheek. Well all went well and his kiss was well received, only that his teacher caught him in the act. Now, this reminds of Calvin, Susie, Miss Wordwood and a situation Watterson came freakishly close to draw(I remember Calvin wanting to kiss Susie, did he?). The teacher, who I am told shares the looks and attitude of her great-great-great grandfather, Jabba the Hutt, didnt approve of this behaviour(perhaps, my cous's suavity reminded her of Han Solo), and bounced him around like the metal ball in a pin ball machine. Once she was done feasting, she went ahead and informed his parents.
Now, it was my uncle's job to talk sense to the boy, he had a man-to-man talk with him, advised him that such public display of affection is immoral and will not be tolerated in this society. He seemed to take things well. It looked like a done and dusted matter, except that the very next day, the kid goes and kisses the girl again, although this time taking care that 'Miss Wormwood' wasn't poking around. But alas, the other girls in the class saw him doing 'it', and one of them turned out to be the reincarnation of Cinderella's ugly step sister. The vestiges of countless-loveless-lives began to haunt her and in her anguish, she informed the teacher about the kiss. Well, the teacher decided that this time the crime went way beyond her jurisdiction and sent the boy to the principal. Gzzzzzzzz-Bang-Bink-Jish-Boing-Boing-Boing-Doun-Dash-Tish - Pin ball time for the principal. The second thrashing in as many days and the detention that followed seemed to have squeezed the dare out of the boy, no more kissing episodes have happened since. I don't think he ever understood why he shouldn't jave kissed, I imagine him talking this out with his Hobbes-equivalent buddy.

Avani Avittam

Avani avittam is an annual brahmin festival that involves changing of the 'sacred' threads we wear. I dont know the significance of the event, but I imagine it to be the time I seek pardon for all the misdeeds in the past year and promise not to do any. Every year all the folks in our building gather in the terrace to change threads under the guidance of a sasthrigal. The one thing I dread about this is the prospect of walking in public with nothing but my dhoti, my head gets filled with these visions of the dhoti slipping away or being blown away and leaving me almost naked. Somehow I have managed to prevent it from happening so far and hope that it never happens, for the embarassment involved is directly proportional to age(it would be less embarassing had it happened when i was 13 than when i am 30).

I also have a reason to like this ceremony, it is the one occasion where I am the slimmest guy in a gathering, watching the other elder folks around with saggier man breasts and bigger beer bellies gives me a sense of happiness that I am at least not so much bad in shape.(pathetic:( ) However, the difference between them and me seems to be decreasing with each passing year, which is rather unsettling. (damn, i should start working out).

We usually have an old sasthrigal along with his apprentice who supervises the proceedings. Age seems to have finally caught up with him, and this year sadly he has decided to retire from this service. This has opened up the door for the young padawan learner (ok, not so young, he is 40) to lead events. While the old guy knew all the incantations by heart, the apprentice needed to refer to his notes every couple of minutes. He also seemed to lack the charisma, the authority and command that accompanied his teacher. What the heck, in today's world nobody is bothered with these things(neither am I, it was just an observation), people want to get things done fast and easy.
Anyway, only one half of the procedure is complete, I still have to go through the remaining tomorrow, which involves reciting a mantra 1008 times. I have never managed to complete the 1008, the closest i think i ever came must be around 900. This time I hope I can surpass my personal best.

Siamese Twins

I suppose you have heard about conjoined twins, if not here is a wikipedia article(written by a stranger with no credibility) describing it. I also suppose that you would agree that it is one of the most terrible abnormalities that one could possibly have and that you are lucky you aren't one such(again assuming that you are not one). From what I know, remedy for the condition is available through a very complex surgery which involves considerable risk. Also, the complexity of such a surgery supposedly increases with age.

I happen to know one such Siamese twins, for quite some time now, although not too personally. And I think you would be knowing about them too, unless you have been living in a spider hole for a very long time. The couple I know of were born before I was and there is an interesting tale surrounding their birth. If you love solving puzzles, chances that you have come across the one involving triplets born on different dates are high. I could never understand the solution to that one, but was convinced that there is a perfectly logical explanation to it. Well, their tale doesnt explain it, but it sure shows that such a scenario is perfectly possible. Yes, the twins that I am referring to are actually part of triplets, all born on different dates. Wait, there is more, all were conjoined, until surgery(a quite bloody one I am told) separated one from the remaining two.

Let's talk about the ones that continue to be joined. Despite their situation, the pair I speak of have actually developed their own identities, for which I am happy, but at some point(probably from the beginning itself) their thinking, their ideology and their perspective on what is good and otherwise and life in general hadn't sync-ed as much as their bodies(after all no two people are the same, conjoined or not). Their already worse life was made further miserable by constant bickering and petty arguments(usually followed by long silence, which is unimaginable given their state), even frivolous squabbles over who was the rightful owner of the organs they shared. They have even claimed at times that they don't need the other for survival. Do you think that it is entirely possible for them to be so? Do you think that they can go about their business as normal people do? Do you really think that they can be INDEPENDENT as they stand and claim and are probably celebrating this very moment?

P.S: Its OK if you dont feel like answering my questions, I shouldnt have asked them at all, there is never a good time to ask them, especially on their birthdays.

My first cartoon strip...

I have finally managed to create my first cartoon strip, courtesy toondoo. Anyway, I couldnt decide on the theme and ended up choosing the theme for the contest in the site. I have picked on Bush's misery.



I am hoping to do regular strips, but finding a good common theme is proving to be difficult, all my ideas seem to be a EEE of either dilbert, calvin n hobbes or pearls before swine. Do you have a nice theme for a cartoon strip?

Matrix Conspiracy Theory

I have been a great fan of the movie 'The Matrix' ever since I watched it for the first time. I was(yes.. was) fascinated by the whole 'brain in a vat' concept and would make compelling and lengthy arguments in its favour with anyone who would argue against it. However, in time, the theory lost its charm once I couldn't make much progress in it(although I still respect it as one of the possibilities). I am not going to discuss the theory here and revive my enthusiasm, rather I will make some observations from the movie.

The movie has a character called Morpheus, an elusive personality who has been freed from the Matrix and goes about freeing others. Morpheus believes in a prophecy that there is this 'One' who will liberate the entire mankind from the Matrix and will bring about the fall of machines. His belief is more than just belief, it is an obsession that drives him to kill other people stuck in the Matrix in his war against the machines. He even encourages his followers to do the same, and justifies it using the 'if he is not one of us, he is one of them' theory. The matrix is also inhabited by agents - programs that search and destroy Morpheus and their kind, programs that maintain order in the Matrix. As part of maintaining order, the agents also misinform the residents about the extremist nature of Morpheus and his followers. Now, anybody who has seen the movie will say that Morpheus is a hero out to save the world and the suit clad agents are the villains.

Ok, now that we are clear about who are the good guys and the bad guys, let me make a few changes to the characters. I would like to replace Morpheus with Osama and the agents with the CIA and the other agencies searching Osama(I would have asked you to picture Bush as Smith, but I think Smith is quite intelligent). All we know about Osama is that he is waging a war against the USA and the reason given to us is that he is doing so in the name of religion. Cutting down the religion motive, don't you see a Morpheus in Osama? Both have been portrayed as terrorists, both have eluded capture. Both have killed people and believe in similar theories('if he is not one of us, he is one of them.. so kill him' theory). The agencies out to nab him snoop on us very much like the agents. (You can cite many similarities if you start to imagine.) Is it possible that we have been misinformed and brainwashed by the US government about Osama? What are the odds that Osama is indeed the equivalent of Morpheus and is out to relieve us?


PS: its better if i put up a disclaimer... this is just a perspective... I am not an osama supporter.. and i dont want agents coming to my office and picking me up for interrogation... but if you do choose to come.. i will choose the blue pill and kick your ass ;)

Bienvenido Torres... Adios Garcia!!

Finally the much awaited big budget move happened. Fernando Torres has moved to Anfield after 12 years at Atletico Madrid. El Nino ( The Kid ) as he is affectionately called in his home town is a perfect blend of youth and experience. He's only 23 and he joined Atletico Madrid's first team when he was 17. He became the club captain at 19. So he's more than just a striker, he can be a force in the field with his leadership qualities and the passion he brings to the game. I recently learned he has been supporting Liverpool for quite some time now along with his friends. Apparently all his friends have "You'll never walk alone" tattooed to their arms but Torres could not, instead he was given an arm band with YNWA embroidered in it. The move to Liverpool is worth 20 million pounds or 30 million euros with a wage expected to be around 100k pounds a week. The player averages 15 goals in the Spanish league and it has been a much debated topic as to whether Torres is the player Liverpool want especially with the amount of money at stake. Liverpool fans voiced their opinions in various forums to bring Charlton star Darren Bent to Liverpool. They exhibited nonplussed behavior at the prospect of signing Torres as to whether he's the "finisher" goal-getter that Liverpool needs and why not go for a talent that's proven to work in the premiership. A fair thought I should say considering the strength in Liverpool's midfield. The strikers have been getting great service from the likes of Gerrard, Alonso and Pennant and they have also pitched in with their share of goals every now and then. Personally I have not watched much of Torres but he is a highly rated player in Spain. He averages 15 goals per season in a side which lost to Barca 6-0. But is he the finisher that Liverpool need? According to me Torres is one type of striker Liverpool does not have. Liverpool have a work-horse in Dirk Kuyt, a flamboyant finisher in Crouch and a muscle man in Voronin. Torres brings that Spanish flavor of attacking football which is new to Liverpool and might be really useful considering Liverpool's Spanish style of playing. I would be happy even if he replicates his 15 goal form next season. With Crouch in great touch and Kuyt's hard work Liverpool can get the goals they have been missing. Of course I didn't mention Bellamy... Rafa has admitted that he's on his way out with a number of clubs making offers for him.

Luis Javier Garcia Sanz is back to Spain after a great record of 30 goals in 121 appearances for Liverpool. This prolific goal scoring midfielder has been a valuable asset to Liverpool over the last 3 seasons. He's saved the day on many important occasions such as the Champions League Quarter final vs Juventus (a stunner), the controversial winner vs Chelsea in the semi final, his last minute winners vs Arsenal in the League and many more. He's a midfielder with a difference. All said I think this is a good move for both the club and Garcia since his style of play is more suitable in Spain than in England where the game is about fast paced physical action. I have been frustrated many times by his failure to complete a superb counter attacking move. Many breaks have been foiled by Garcia's inability to maintain composure at that high pace and he tried one too many tricks which were to say the least, disrespectful to the opponents. As a midfielder his ball distribution is poor but he is a genuine attack-minded player who gets free very often and has got a great touch with the ball. I wish him good luck in Atletico Madrid. He has already played for Atletico and has scored 9 goals with them. He's sure to be a fan favorite and Atletico gained two for the loss of one, with Forlan, another Spanish hit having already signed for them.